Just Thoughts: I am unattached

Sometimes, I think that I am weird because I am unattached.

Recently, the administration of the medical school I go to decide to reshuffle the section. So, after a year of studying together, my classmates and I will be separated. It means that we have to go through our first day of second year like it was the first day of medical school. We have to go through the getting to know phase once again and make some new friends once again. Because of this, a lot of classmates were upset. A lot of them are posting on social media about the bonds formed during our year together. When the rumors of reshuffling started, I thought I will be devastated too in case the rumors are true. When the announcement was official, I was surprised of myself because I don’t really feel anything.

This made me recall my high school graduation. Before the day of the graduation, I actually expected myself to cry a lot. I loved my friends and I was thinking that I will miss them so much. But then, I didn’t shed a single tear. I had to lie to my friends every time I say “I’m so sad right now” because the truth was I wasn’t. I should have been tearful and sad during the goodbyes but I didn’t feel any of that.

The same goes for my college graduation. Everyone was talking about how emotional they were that day especially when the school hymn was sung. Again, I wasn’t sad about the goodbyes. At that time, I attributed my lack of emotion to my tiredness but now that I think about it I’m not so sure.

I also lost some friends along the way. There were times when I do not even notice that me and my friend are drifting apart until it’s already done. I only realize it when we’ve already become strangers who rarely talk to each other.

Now that I realize it, it actually scares me. I know that people needs someone to hold on to. However, instead of holding on to something, I’m more on letting go. Anyways, I want to change this. I want to feel sentimental. I want to feel the pain of missing something and someone. I want to have someone I can hold on to, someone I want to hold on to. Will that person ever come?

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